GENEVA – In a surprising turn of events, all of the world’s straight, white, cishet males have simultaneously committed suicide. Investigators made the discovery on Thursday morning — two full months after the suicides actually took place.
“If not for the dramatic improvement in the general quality of life across the globe, we might never have noticed their absence at all,” said Chiara Amsler, one of the officials who made the discovery. “I mean, just look at all of the wonderful things that have happened over the last few weeks: poverty has been eliminated, we’ve achieved nuclear disarmament, global warming has been reversed, and we now have peace in the Middle East. The only thing that could possibly have explained all of these breakthroughs was the absence of straight white men.”
The event is widely being compared to the Rapture — except that the people who disappeared were almost certainly not taken to heaven. On the contrary, given the depth and vileness of Straight White Male Original Sin, we can rest assured that the departed are suffering a much-deserved eternal damnation in a lake of fire. We who have been left behind are the ones who will enjoy paradise.
There was, however, an element of redemption in the deaths. As indicated by the billion or so suicide notes that have been recovered, the men had somehow uniformly become aware of their own level of depravity, and most of them apparently killed themselves not just out of a sense of Straight White Male Guilt, but also out of sacrificial love.
“It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done,” wrote one man, “for the world will be a far, far better place without me in it to carry on my ancestors’ legacy of dominance and oppression.”
So far, he appears to have been right.
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