TORONTO – Gender theorists at York University announced on Friday that yet another dimension in Gender Identity Space has been found. The latest addition is the eleventh in the panoply of gender scales, and its unexpected discovery has experts wondering just how many more undetected dimensions there might be.

“It’s the kind of thing you dream about your whole life,” said Pat Johnsyn, the principal investigator in the group that published the result. “You work day in and day out, hoping that one day your labor will pay off. For us, that day is finally here.”

Ever since the realization that the penis is a mere social construct, scientists have known that a persyn’s gender identity can be located anywhere on a continuous spectrum that ranges from 100% femayl to 100% male. It has also long been clear that individuals can move from one point to another on this spectrum—a concept known as “gender fluidity.”

The real shocker in Gender Theory, however, was the revolutionary finding that one’s identity could move not just along a line ranging from femayl to male but anywhere on a two-dimensional plane. Scientists had yet to agree on a name for the second dimension when three more were discovered within a period of ten days. That quickly, visual representations of gender identity became impossible to construct (since we are confined to only three spatial dimensions).

“We had to turn to the higher dimensional mathematics of String Theory in order to find a conceptual framework that would accommodate the properties of the new Gender Space,” said Johnsyn. “And honestly, Brian Greene and all of his String Theory colleagues were positively thrilled to have finally found a real-life application for their work.”

Indeed, many of the classic results from String Theory have already found a home in the field of Gender Studies. Higher dimensional objects such as hyperspheres, tesseracts, and the Calabi-Yau manifold have been shown to represent fundamental building blocks of gender identity—pieces that can be combined in different ways to create more complex gender structures, much as atoms join together to form molecules.

“It’s conceivable,” says Johnsyn, “that every individual in the world might have an entirely unique gender identity. In fact, one’s gender classification might turn out to be an even more effective identifier than one’s DNA sequence.”

Reactions to the discovery have been mixed. While some hail it as a glorious leap forward in humyn understanding, others lament the new degree of complexity to which their lives will inevitably rise as a result. A particular worry is that a new gender pronoun will have to be created for each of the world’s 7.5 billion people.

While the ultimate effects of this breakthrough are yet to be seen, at least one thing is certain: If an eleven-dimensional Gender Space makes you uncomfortable, you’re a paternalistic, patriarchal, chauvinistic turd.

Join Henry Rambow on Twitter: @HenryRambow

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