Tired of junk mail? So am I. What’s the solution? Bill the senders. Here is a letter that will put an end to the problem if we can all agree to send it to those responsible for inundating us with unsolicited crap:

Dear [INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE]:

Your frequent letters are more than an invasion of my privacy. Over the course of my lifetime, I have spent countless hours sorting, opening, and disposing of the many pieces of junk mail you have sent me. And because most of your letters contain elements of my personal information, I cannot merely throw them in the garbage or the recycling bin. In the interest of security, I have to shred them.

And let’s be honest here. You’re not trying to provide me with a service that will make my life better. All you want is my money. You don’t care about me at all, and you never have, despite all the heartfelt words that you paid someone to write and that you printed en masse to catch as many innocent people as possible in your greedy nets. Oh, and those deceitful fonts you carefully selected in order to make the addresses and signatures look hand-written by a thoughtful fellow named David who wants to give me an exclusive discount because I’ve been such a loyal customer for so long? They disgust me.

Your letters have turned me into a slave. You see, I have been working for you not by choice, but by necessity. I have no other option but to remove your letters from my mail box; no other option but to open them in order to make sure they are not legitimate bills; no other option but to feed them into my paper shredder (often overheating it) and carefully empty the shreddage into my recycling bin (trying not to make a mess in the process).

But you know what? Slave labor is illegal. And so I have a right to bill you for all the work I have performed. Therefore, I have prepared the following invoice, which my attorney will be following up on to ensure that you pay my long overdue wages. Either check or cash will be fine. Just be sure to get your payment to me before the deadline, or I will be forced to charge you a late fee.

Sincerely,

[INSERT SIGNATURE HERE]

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In all seriousness, someone should start a company that bills companies like AT&T, Comcast, and American Express for the handling of all their unsolicited mailings on behalf of the masses who have to dispose of them every day. And they should have to pay a price for the impact that all their garbage has on the environment. (Landfills should charge them by volume!)

Or . . . Can we just write “Return to Sender” on all of the junk mail we receive? If that worked, it would be a beautiful, beautiful thing.

One can dream.

Join me on Twitter: @HenryRambow

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