NEW HAVEN – A groundbreaking new study has revealed that the penis is a mere social construct, experts announced on Monday. The conclusion is the result of a longitudinal study that spanned four decades and was spearheaded by Jasmine Dixon, Professor of Anthropology and Gender Studies at Yale University.
Reading from a prepared statement, Dixon said, “We have found that despite all appearances to the contrary, no penis has ever existed in any truly objective sense.” She then added that the finding conveniently buttressed an idea for which she had long been seeking support — namely, that there are no differences between the sexes and, furthermore, any mention of “sex” at all is inherently nonsensical.
Already, families and institutions have been thrown into complete disarray, as the primary basis for their existing authority structures has evaporated. “I no longer feel qualified to be a domineering husband and father,” said Mitchell Wang, an investment banker who has a wife and four children. “And I’m not sure which sports or other activities are appropriate for my kids now. I’m starting to think that all the money we’ve spent on football and baseball has been totally wasted.”
Michelle Johnson, a longtime homemaker, is also struggling to make sense of the revelation. “I don’t know whether I can trust my doctors anymore,” she said. “Back when I thought they had penises, I was confident in their ability to diagnose and treat any ailment I might have. But now I feel like I might as well just depend on homemade herbal remedies for everything.”
When asked whether she expected her family dynamic to be affected, Johnson said, “Actually, I have a sudden urge to go out and get a job rather than stay at home and take care of my kids. I don’t see why I shouldn’t start letting Kyle handle all the parenting, shopping, cooking, dish-washing, vacuuming, and laundry now.” Her husband Kyle, who was sitting beside her, nodded, appearing eager to take on new responsibilities.
Perhaps one of the most significant ramifications of the new finding has been in the field of biology. “We’re almost back to square one,” said Larry Cox, a professor of evolutionary biology at UCLA. “Now that the social sciences have exposed an enormous flaw in our basic understanding of human anatomy and physiology, we’re going to have to get creative and reverse-engineer a new explanation for how humans and other species have been able to reproduce over the eons.”
Not everyone, however, is disturbed by the revelation. “It’s been quite liberating for me,” said Willie Smalls. “For a long time, I’ve been told that I had a tiny penis. I had no confidence initiating relationships with women or showering at the gym. But now that it’s clear I’ve never even had a penis to begin with, my feelings of inadequacy are gone.”
Professor Dixon was quick to add that the result may have enormous benefits for the entire country, even at the highest levels. “I’m sure we can expect President Trump to settle down going forward, with the source of his insecurity now having been shown to be fictional. He’ll be able to focus more on being an effective leader, and we’ll all be better off.”
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