OKLAHOMA – Keith Wilson, a retired petroleum engineer in Bartlesville, OK, has recently become a comedic hit at local cocktail parties. After noticing that humorists across the nation have been finding success with jokes about struggling millennials who still depend on their parents for financial support, Keith decided to join in the fun. And for him, it’s personal.
“I love being able to elicit a cheap laugh just by mentioning that my millennial son still lives in my basement,” Keith said. “And it’s even better when Spencer is there to hear it. The look of shame and defeat in his eyes is just so satisfying.”
In response to accusations of cruelty, Keith insists that he thoroughly earned the right to denigrate his son. “I worked my way through college back when minimum wage was just $1.60,” he said. “So I think I deserve to be able to make my son feel like shit by comparison.”
“It’s really not fair,” said Spencer as he was carrying a basket of laundry upstairs to hand to his mother. “College tuition is about thirty-five times what it was when my dad went to school, but minimum wage has only grown by a factor of four.”
Spencer further lamented that over the past forty years, his own father—in fact, both of his parents—voted at every opportunity to keep minimum wage down and to reduce funding for education. “It’s almost like they wanted me to fail,” he said.
“Damn right I wanted him to fail!” said Keith. “I worked my ass off during those forty years. For me, it was a lifelong dream that I might one day be able to gloat over my own failed offspring. I played by the rules, and I won. Spencer needs to get the hell over it.”
When asked to share his outlook on global affairs and the prospects for humanity’s future, Keith only shrugged callously. “Look, my job was just to make shitloads of cash by extracting the last remaining reserves of fossil fuels from the earth and polluting the atmosphere with their byproducts. Ensuring that humanity has a future will be up to Spencer.”
With those words, it appeared that Keith still had some measure of faith in his son after all. But in the next moment, he kicked Spencer squarely in the back and watched him tumble down the stairs into the darkened basement before offering one final comment. “In my opinion, you’re all fucked, because that little loser doesn’t stand a chance.”
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